The Journey with my wife into motherhood

The One Thought That Continuously Haunts You After a Miscarriage
After a miscarriage, everything is a reminder of what could have been. Since the loss of my twins at 17-weeks pregnant, I have tried five more times to get pregnant.
With each unsuccessful attempt, I have the same haunting thought.
This wasn’t how my life was supposed to be.
I know enough of the sayings about things falling apart so other things can fall into place, everything happening for a reason, being exactly where you’re supposed to be, timing is everything, creating your own happiness, counting your blessings, being happy with what you have, and blah blah blah. They’re great and inspirational. But you know what?
They’re also a crock of sh#t.
Sometimes, life is just hard. Actually, most times life is hard. Life is hard.
But it’s not just the hard times that make me think this isn’t how my life was supposed to be. It’s the great times too.
I was recently promoted at my day job after five months on the job. It’s a big promotion. I’m honored and excited by it. And it never would have happened if my twins were born. None of the recent big life changes would have happened if my water hadn’t broken in the 2nd trimester. Not the opening of our own business. Not the big move to Martha’s Vineyard. None of it would have happened. And they’re all amazing, wonderful things.
But.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to celebrate successes that were achieved because we lost our twins? Not that losing our twins directly resulted in any of this — but none of it would have happened if our twins had been born. Certainly not the way it has happened. As wonderful as life is right now, the huge emptiness where my children should be is the black hole I live in.
Keep reading here.

The One Thought That Continuously Haunts You After a Miscarriage

After a miscarriage, everything is a reminder of what could have been. Since the loss of my twins at 17-weeks pregnant, I have tried five more times to get pregnant.

With each unsuccessful attempt, I have the same haunting thought.

This wasn’t how my life was supposed to be.

I know enough of the sayings about things falling apart so other things can fall into place, everything happening for a reason, being exactly where you’re supposed to be, timing is everything, creating your own happiness, counting your blessings, being happy with what you have, and blah blah blah. They’re great and inspirational. But you know what?

They’re also a crock of sh#t.

Sometimes, life is just hard. Actually, most times life is hard. Life is hard.

But it’s not just the hard times that make me think this isn’t how my life was supposed to be. It’s the great times too.

I was recently promoted at my day job after five months on the job. It’s a big promotion. I’m honored and excited by it. And it never would have happened if my twins were born. None of the recent big life changes would have happened if my water hadn’t broken in the 2nd trimester. Not the opening of our own business. Not the big move to Martha’s Vineyard. None of it would have happened. And they’re all amazing, wonderful things.

But.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to celebrate successes that were achieved because we lost our twins? Not that losing our twins directly resulted in any of this — but none of it would have happened if our twins had been born. Certainly not the way it has happened. As wonderful as life is right now, the huge emptiness where my children should be is the black hole I live in.

Keep reading here.

REFLECTIONS ON MY 2-YEAR FERTILITY JOURNEY
Yesterday was my 36th birthday. Two years and two weeks ago, I had my first ever appointment at a fertility center. Tomorrow will be two years exactly that I’ve been writing for Babble.
When we first decided we were going to start trying to have a family, there wasn’t much information out there for us. Sure, all the medical info was available, but there were so few stories of how families like ours are formed, so few real words from other lesbian mothers — so I decided to blog about it.
I reached out to a dear ex-coworker of mine who had tons of blogging experience. I wanted to know which site she used: WordPress, Tumblr, what? I told her my plans to share my story, and — without it ever once crossing my mind — she asked if I would want to share it on Babble. Of course she’d have to speak to the editors there, and there were no guarantees, but sure! Why wouldn’t I want to? 
Babble decided to take me on. To be a platform for me to tell my story. I signed up with their Pregnancy Channel, then called Being Pregnant. 
Two years later, I’m still on the Pregnancy Channel.
No one from the original crew is with me. They’ve all moved on to Baby’s 1st Year, or what’s now just called Baby. Not only is the original crew gone, but so are the two other groups of women who came after them.
I’ve seen three cycles of pregnant women come and go while I’ve been writing my story for Pregnancy. The fourth group is about to leave, too. Their babies are due soon.
I thought I was going to rock 34 so hard. It’d be the year I start my blog, it’d be the year I get pregnant. It’d be the year.
Two years later, and I’m now 36. Still no baby. Still writing for Pregnancy.
FINISH THE STORY HERE.

REFLECTIONS ON MY 2-YEAR FERTILITY JOURNEY

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. Two years and two weeks ago, I had my first ever appointment at a fertility center. Tomorrow will be two years exactly that I’ve been writing for Babble.

When we first decided we were going to start trying to have a family, there wasn’t much information out there for us. Sure, all the medical info was available, but there were so few stories of how families like ours are formed, so few real words from other lesbian mothers — so I decided to blog about it.

I reached out to a dear ex-coworker of mine who had tons of blogging experience. I wanted to know which site she used: WordPress, Tumblr, what? I told her my plans to share my story, and — without it ever once crossing my mind — she asked if I would want to share it on Babble. Of course she’d have to speak to the editors there, and there were no guarantees, but sure! Why wouldn’t I want to? 

Babble decided to take me on. To be a platform for me to tell my story. I signed up with their Pregnancy Channel, then called Being Pregnant. 

Two years later, I’m still on the Pregnancy Channel.

No one from the original crew is with me. They’ve all moved on to Baby’s 1st Year, or what’s now just called Baby. Not only is the original crew gone, but so are the two other groups of women who came after them.

I’ve seen three cycles of pregnant women come and go while I’ve been writing my story for Pregnancy. The fourth group is about to leave, too. Their babies are due soon.

I thought I was going to rock 34 so hard. It’d be the year I start my blog, it’d be the year I get pregnant. It’d be the year.

Two years later, and I’m now 36. Still no baby. Still writing for Pregnancy.

FINISH THE STORY HERE.

Aside from the day I sat down to write the story of miscarrying my twins at 17 weeks pregnant, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.
It’s taken me 15 months to come to terms with this idea, and to realize that I do actually believe it.
I think an ultrasound killed my twin babies.
I’m scared in sharing this with others, because I’m afraid it sounds so desperate. Desperate for answers when no doctor or specialist has been able to give me one. Desperate to find a reason why my water broke at 17 weeks pregnant during an otherwise picture-perfect pregnancy.
But this isn’t desperation. This is what I feel to be true.
Read the rest here.

Aside from the day I sat down to write the story of miscarrying my twins at 17 weeks pregnant, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.

It’s taken me 15 months to come to terms with this idea, and to realize that I do actually believe it.

I think an ultrasound killed my twin babies.

I’m scared in sharing this with others, because I’m afraid it sounds so desperate. Desperate for answers when no doctor or specialist has been able to give me one. Desperate to find a reason why my water broke at 17 weeks pregnant during an otherwise picture-perfect pregnancy.

But this isn’t desperation. This is what I feel to be true.

Read the rest here.

WE FOUND OUR SPERM DONOR!
I told you last month how we did a 180 with our fertility plan so that I could take a much-needed break from all the drugs and hormones — but also so that we could try something a bit more “natural.” Our plan would take us from fertility treatments, appointments and medications to what is known as “at-home insemination.”
At-home insemination is not the same as IUI, which happens in a doctor’s office by a professional because the cervix is pierced. I realized quickly after I told you all about our plan that I should have clarified exactly what we were doing, because some of you thought we meant we’d be performing an IUI ourselves, at home.
We might be a little nutty, but we’re not totally insane. I’ll tell you more about our method in a later post, because before we can start any of that, we needed to find a sperm donor first.
And we did!
FINISH READING HERE

WE FOUND OUR SPERM DONOR!

I told you last month how we did a 180 with our fertility plan so that I could take a much-needed break from all the drugs and hormones — but also so that we could try something a bit more “natural.” Our plan would take us from fertility treatments, appointments and medications to what is known as “at-home insemination.”

At-home insemination is not the same as IUI, which happens in a doctor’s office by a professional because the cervix is pierced. I realized quickly after I told you all about our plan that I should have clarified exactly what we were doing, because some of you thought we meant we’d be performing an IUI ourselves, at home.

We might be a little nutty, but we’re not totally insane. I’ll tell you more about our method in a later post, because before we can start any of that, we needed to find a sperm donor first.

And we did!

FINISH READING HERE

10 Unusual Baby Names I Discovered While Walking My Dog (You’ll Never Guess Where)
My dog, like most dogs, enjoys going on lots of walks. And we’re generally very adventurous with the exciting and fun places we take her. But there are those days when time is limited and we simply have to get it done — the walk, that is. These are the days that our sweet pooch, Darla (pictured here), gets to take a stroll through the cemetery.
Yes, folks, we walk our dog in the cemetery. It might sound odd, but it’s right up the street from us, and it’s a wide open space. It’s actually kind of perfect.
This past weekend during our walk, I started to take notice of the tombstones. Specifically, I started to take notice of the really amazing and unusual names on them. I texted my baby-naming friend immediately to share my finds, and she agreed: These names are unusual.
Most of them date back to the mid and late 1800s. And, aside from a few of them, I’ve never seen or heard of these names anywhere.
Read the names HERE.

10 Unusual Baby Names I Discovered While Walking My Dog (You’ll Never Guess Where)

My dog, like most dogs, enjoys going on lots of walks. And we’re generally very adventurous with the exciting and fun places we take her. But there are those days when time is limited and we simply have to get it done — the walk, that is. These are the days that our sweet pooch, Darla (pictured here), gets to take a stroll through the cemetery.

Yes, folks, we walk our dog in the cemetery. It might sound odd, but it’s right up the street from us, and it’s a wide open space. It’s actually kind of perfect.

This past weekend during our walk, I started to take notice of the tombstones. Specifically, I started to take notice of the really amazing and unusual names on them. I texted my baby-naming friend immediately to share my finds, and she agreed: These names are unusual.

Most of them date back to the mid and late 1800s. And, aside from a few of them, I’ve never seen or heard of these names anywhere.

Read the names HERE.

Why We Did a 180 With Our Fertility Plan
It’s been two months and 11 days since my last negative pregnancy test. It was my final attempt at pregnancy with the fertility center I’d been with for nearly two years, because I was moving the week after I got my results. It was also our last chance to conceive with the donor sperm that got me pregnant with our twins — whom we lost during my 2nd-trimester miscarriage.
I came to love this fertility center and the amazing staff. And I know they did everything they possibly could. To say I was disappointed when I learned that I — once again — was not pregnant, is an understatement.
But my disappointment was quickly replaced with a huge sense of being overwhelmed.
We were back to Square One.
After almost two years of trying, after numerous IVF cycles; FET cycles; an IUI; countless injections; bruises; pills; vaginal suppositories; hormone side effects that included hot flashes, weight gain, headaches, dizziness, cramping, outrageous mood swings, fatigue, loss of appetite, increase in appetite, sleeplessness; too many transvaginal ultrasounds to recall; five — maybe 6 (who can remember?) — negative pregnancy tests, a miscarriage at 17 weeks pregnant and the horror that came with that, and a medical bill of nearly $40,000, I was walking away without a baby. Without sperm. And without a plan.
It’s been almost two and a half months since that last pregnancy test. Since our plan was forced to change. At first, I thought we’d find a doctor in Boston. We’d buy more donor sperm from a cryobank there. I’d settle in to my new job, and begin again with the appointments, the blood work, the transvaginal ultrasounds, the injections, hormones, blah. Blah. Blah.
But that’s not what we’re going to do.
Read more HERE.

Why We Did a 180 With Our Fertility Plan

It’s been two months and 11 days since my last negative pregnancy test. It was my final attempt at pregnancy with the fertility center I’d been with for nearly two years, because I was moving the week after I got my results. It was also our last chance to conceive with the donor sperm that got me pregnant with our twins — whom we lost during my 2nd-trimester miscarriage.

I came to love this fertility center and the amazing staff. And I know they did everything they possibly could. To say I was disappointed when I learned that I — once again — was not pregnant, is an understatement.

But my disappointment was quickly replaced with a huge sense of being overwhelmed.

We were back to Square One.

After almost two years of trying, after numerous IVF cycles; FET cycles; an IUI; countless injections; bruises; pills; vaginal suppositories; hormone side effects that included hot flashes, weight gain, headaches, dizziness, cramping, outrageous mood swings, fatigue, loss of appetite, increase in appetite, sleeplessness; too many transvaginal ultrasounds to recall; five — maybe 6 (who can remember?) — negative pregnancy tests, a miscarriage at 17 weeks pregnant and the horror that came with that, and a medical bill of nearly $40,000, I was walking away without a baby. Without sperm. And without a plan.

It’s been almost two and a half months since that last pregnancy test. Since our plan was forced to change. At first, I thought we’d find a doctor in Boston. We’d buy more donor sperm from a cryobank there. I’d settle in to my new job, and begin again with the appointments, the blood work, the transvaginal ultrasounds, the injections, hormones, blah. Blah. Blah.

But that’s not what we’re going to do.

Read more HERE.